Chris (chrisjournal) wrote,

So, I'm days behind here

And so *many* things have been floating through my head. I hope you will all forgive me, I'm behind on the smut snipplets, posting up the finished version of Moondance and on reading and responding to all the interesting things folks have been saying. And, could you let that forgiveness stand for another week or so? This'll be a mondo long post to try to spew out some of the stuff that's been crowding my head. I'll cut it off because really it's just ...

First, there's the whole BtVS thing... I haven't commented on a single episode since Beneath You, but I think it's because I am just so utterly happy with what ME is giving us this year. I love the way the eps have focused on individual characters, going in depth, with Buffy the shared thread running through all of their tales. I'm still waiting for a Giles ep, of course, but maybe next week??? I still want to go back and write that ramble about moral superiority in Beneath You, except I'm coming to understand that it's not just BY, but the whole damned season that's about moral superiority (or the lack of it).

And then there's the real life work thing. God. I am so underwater with work, work, work it's insane. I'm doing better than I was in Sept. with maintaining a semblance of balance between work and home and personal, but it's a near thing. Dec. 6th is the next big milestone for the project, and once we hit that mark, the latter half of Dec. should be easier going. If I don't commit murder before then... Note to self: when you're in a position to appoint leadership to a team, do not appoint a 55 yr old male who will say to his program manager on the first meeting: You have to tell me what to do. I nearly lost it right there. I was already peeved because he'd set up *daily* meetings with me (I haven't needed a nanny in many, many years), then to discover it wasn't because he wanted to micromanage me, but because he had mommy issues and needed someone to tell him when to breathe, when to eat, and when to shit... My mentor/colleague tells me to look at it as a growth opportunity, a way to learn better how to manage up. HA! I say. Let's round this little rant off by saying that I unloaded on dearest hubby, who was sunk so far into his chair by the time I stopped screeching that I thought he'd slide under the table. And the scary part was I was thinking mentally, "Couldn't he clean the floor while he's down there?"

And then there's the writing thing. I don't understand when or how this need to write, and to learn how to write well, really got so under my skin. Way back in February, it was more about having a new hobbie, about finding a way to say what I wanted to say about the show without having to actually write coherent, logical arguments and essays. Now, it's something that consumes me. Even when I'm not actually *doing* it, I'm thinking about it. In the car, at work, on the phone, when I should be cleaning house, when I'm playing "Spiderman" with the boys. And maybe more egregious, it's invaded my reading. I've always, always lost myself in other people's words. Now, though, at the oddest moments, I'll pop out of a story or novel into reality and start noticing how beautifully an author turns a phrase, or looking at exactly how it was that the last three pages of what I read moved me to laugh or to cry... I want to move people that way, too. I want to have time to do it, and I want to be recognized for doing it, too. And oh yes, I want to have enough money that I don't need to be paid for doing it (cause I know *that* at least is a pipe dream). I've watched friends make it through NaNoWriMo and thought about just how much I wish I could do that....I'm slow, and deliberate, and I don't have a fountain of endless imaginative plots, either. The things that nag at me are amorphous emotional states, moved hither and yon by the vagaries of life or choice or destiny or maybe just the size of the moon. Finding a plot, a situation, to bend those ideas around takes days and weeks, and sometimes, months. There's a little piece of me that's glad BtVS is so fic inspiring, because it gives me somewhere to practice...but there's another piece that wonders if the show weren't on the air any more, would I then find inspiration elsewhere and find the wherewithall to write something of my *own*...

Ahh...enough blather for this one. I'll do another, maybe tomorrow. I was trying to rewrite part 3 of MD and kept getting stuck and begged her to talk to me about Buffy. What I got was, in the greatest beta style, a big pile of questions. Then she had an inspiration of her own, which has set me to thinking even more about what it must be like to be Buffy Summers right now... That'll make a good journal entry all its own.

Enough of my rambling. I'm not even sure at this point that this makes sense, but off to send I go.


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