?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

So, I'm days behind here

And so *many* things have been floating through my head. I hope you will all forgive me, I'm behind on the smut snipplets, posting up the finished version of Moondance and on reading and responding to all the interesting things folks have been saying. And, could you let that forgiveness stand for another week or so? This'll be a mondo long post to try to spew out some of the stuff that's been crowding my head. I'll cut it off because really it's just ...

First, there's the whole BtVS thing... I haven't commented on a single episode since Beneath You, but I think it's because I am just so utterly happy with what ME is giving us this year. I love the way the eps have focused on individual characters, going in depth, with Buffy the shared thread running through all of their tales. I'm still waiting for a Giles ep, of course, but maybe next week??? I still want to go back and write that ramble about moral superiority in Beneath You, except I'm coming to understand that it's not just BY, but the whole damned season that's about moral superiority (or the lack of it).

And then there's the real life work thing. God. I am so underwater with work, work, work it's insane. I'm doing better than I was in Sept. with maintaining a semblance of balance between work and home and personal, but it's a near thing. Dec. 6th is the next big milestone for the project, and once we hit that mark, the latter half of Dec. should be easier going. If I don't commit murder before then... Note to self: when you're in a position to appoint leadership to a team, do not appoint a 55 yr old male who will say to his program manager on the first meeting: You have to tell me what to do. I nearly lost it right there. I was already peeved because he'd set up *daily* meetings with me (I haven't needed a nanny in many, many years), then to discover it wasn't because he wanted to micromanage me, but because he had mommy issues and needed someone to tell him when to breathe, when to eat, and when to shit... My mentor/colleague tells me to look at it as a growth opportunity, a way to learn better how to manage up. HA! I say. Let's round this little rant off by saying that I unloaded on dearest hubby, who was sunk so far into his chair by the time I stopped screeching that I thought he'd slide under the table. And the scary part was I was thinking mentally, "Couldn't he clean the floor while he's down there?"

And then there's the writing thing. I don't understand when or how this need to write, and to learn how to write well, really got so under my skin. Way back in February, it was more about having a new hobbie, about finding a way to say what I wanted to say about the show without having to actually write coherent, logical arguments and essays. Now, it's something that consumes me. Even when I'm not actually *doing* it, I'm thinking about it. In the car, at work, on the phone, when I should be cleaning house, when I'm playing "Spiderman" with the boys. And maybe more egregious, it's invaded my reading. I've always, always lost myself in other people's words. Now, though, at the oddest moments, I'll pop out of a story or novel into reality and start noticing how beautifully an author turns a phrase, or looking at exactly how it was that the last three pages of what I read moved me to laugh or to cry... I want to move people that way, too. I want to have time to do it, and I want to be recognized for doing it, too. And oh yes, I want to have enough money that I don't need to be paid for doing it (cause I know *that* at least is a pipe dream). I've watched friends make it through NaNoWriMo and thought about just how much I wish I could do that....I'm slow, and deliberate, and I don't have a fountain of endless imaginative plots, either. The things that nag at me are amorphous emotional states, moved hither and yon by the vagaries of life or choice or destiny or maybe just the size of the moon. Finding a plot, a situation, to bend those ideas around takes days and weeks, and sometimes, months. There's a little piece of me that's glad BtVS is so fic inspiring, because it gives me somewhere to practice...but there's another piece that wonders if the show weren't on the air any more, would I then find inspiration elsewhere and find the wherewithall to write something of my *own*...

Ahh...enough blather for this one. I'll do another, maybe tomorrow. I was trying to rewrite part 3 of MD and kept getting stuck and begged her to talk to me about Buffy. What I got was, in the greatest beta style, a big pile of questions. Then she had an inspiration of her own, which has set me to thinking even more about what it must be like to be Buffy Summers right now... That'll make a good journal entry all its own.

Enough of my rambling. I'm not even sure at this point that this makes sense, but off to send I go.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
harmonyfb
Nov. 24th, 2002 08:21 pm (UTC)
Glad everything is ok....was a little concerned, since you'd been quiet since your really crappy day. :)
stateless82
Nov. 26th, 2002 06:20 am (UTC)
The things that nag at me are amorphous emotional states, moved hither and yon by the vagaries of life or choice or destiny or maybe just the size of the moon. Finding a plot, a situation, to bend those ideas around takes days and weeks, and sometimes, months.

Oh I know that feeling, me- I see pictures - Willow looking out a window at night trying to see if Buffy is outside, but only being able to see her own reflection in the glass - and then I have to figure out what, if anything, it means. Lame symbolism and all. Luckily, I'm rarely compelled to try to write it out, cause plots? Ha!

But I am glad of your compulsions. And your work rant has left me with the giggles.




chrisjournal
Nov. 26th, 2002 10:29 am (UTC)
Ah, Susan...you never fail to make me happy. I love your images. I get the feelings, but not the pictures, most of the time. The images usually signal the compulsion to write something.

What's bothering me most right now is the way images muck with the vision, the way I can't make up my mind to write something, then just write what I plan. The text and the characters morph on me, and inevitably when a show airs, the emotional vibes there throw me into a kilter with whatever I'm working on. I swear to you it's unfinished business with BY that has stopped me dead in my tracks with Carthage. I'm hoping to work out that particular problem with my semi offline vacation this week, but it really is an emotional problem there... The damned thing's plotted through til the end, but it doesn't fit with what the show's given us and I haven't as yet found a satisfactory way to rework the plot so that it's no longer a false ring. Sigh...

And this week's ep -- without spoiling -- it's put Moondance under the gun, too. That stupid thing was a PWP, really it was. But it's not any more, it's taken on more meaning than I'd ever intended for it to... We'll see if I manage to rewrite part 4 yet again tonight. Mint's waiting for it.

Sigh. Now I've talked your ear off. Have a happy thanksgiving.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

Latest Month

August 2006
S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031